Easy Song - The shoe stall
текст песни

Scene:
A shoe stall in a street-market in Britain
Characters:
Honest Harry, the stallholder
A customer.

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*The stallholder is standing at his stall; he has a small card in his hat, saying ‘ Honest Harry’. The customer comes to the stall, carrying a shoe-box.*
Harry Good morning, madam. Can I help you?
Customer Are you Honest Harry?
Harry Er… maybe. Why?
Customer I want to make a complaint to Honest Harry.
Harry A complaint?
Customer Yes.
Harry In that case. I’m not Honest Harry.
Customer What?
Harry Honest Harry ‘s on holiday.
Customer Oh. (Noticing the card in his hat) Wait a minute – your hat says ‘Honest Harry’.
Harry Oh, yes – this is Honest Harry’s hat. I’m wearing it while he’s on holiday.
Customer What?!
Harry I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll give you Harry’s telephone number… in Argentina.
Customer Now listen to me -
Harry All right, all right, all right. I am Honest Harry. What’s the problem?

*The customer puts the shoe-box on the stall.*

Customer Well, my husband came here yesterday.
Harry Oh, really?
Customer Yes. And he bought these shoes.

*The customer takes two shoes from the box (one is red, the other is green) and closes it.*

Harry Yes?
Customer Well, my husband can’t wear these.
Harry Why not? Are they too big?
Customer No.
Harry Too small?
Customer No.
Harry O what’s the problem?
Customer They’re not the same colour.
Harry Not the same colour?
Customer That’s right.
Harry Not the same colour as what?
Customer They’re not the same colour as each other! One of them’s red and the other one’s green.
Harry Oh, yes! One of them’s red and the other one’s green.
Customer Yes!
Harry I see! So which one are you complaining about?
Customer Pardon?
Harry Which one don’t you like?
Customer Look, there’s nothing wrong with the shoes -
Harry Good.
Customer - but they’re not a pair.
Harry No, you’re right. They’re not a pear. This is pear.

*Harry produces a pear and bites it.*
Harry Mmm, delicious!

Customer I don’t think you’re taking this very seriously.
Harry Sorry, madam. Let’s start at the beginning. Your husband bought these shoes.
Customer Yes.
Harry From me.
Customer Yes.
Harry And you’re not satisfied with them.
Customer That’s right. I’m not satisfied at all.
Harry What do you mean, exactly?
Customer What do you mean: ‘What do I mean’?
Harry What do I mean what do you mean?
Customer Yes.
Harry What I mean is this: Are you: (A) ‘Unhappy’, (B) ‘Annoyed’, (C) ‘Angry’, or (D) ‘Suicidal’?
Customer Well, I’m unhappy.
Harry You’re unhappy.
Customer Yes.
Harry You’re not annoyed.
Customer No – well, yes, I am.
Harry So you’re annoyed.
Customer Yes.
Harry You’re not just unhappy – you’re annoyed.
Customer Yes.
Harry But you’re not angry.
Customer No.
Harry You’re sure?
Customer Yes.
Harry Oh, you are angry.
Customer No! I’m sure I’m not angry!
Harry You’re not angry.
Customer I’m not angry!
Harry Well, you look angry to me.
Customer All right, I’m angry!!
Harry You’re angry! Right. But not suicidal.
Customer That’s right.
Harry Good. You’re angry!
Customer Yes!!
Harry Now, are you: (A) ‘Very angry’, (B) ‘Very very angry’, (C) ‘Extremely angry’, or (D) ‘Absolutely furious’?
Customer Look, this is stupid.
Harry Oh, it’s stupid, is it?
Customer Yes, it’s stupid.
Harry I see. Would you say it’s: (A) ‘Very stupid’, (B) ‘Very very stupid’, (C) ‘Completely stupid’, or (D) ‘Absolutely idiotic’?
Customer Look, all I want to do is change these shoes.
Harry Change the shoes? Well, why didn’t you say no? You’re very lucky, madam, because I have here another pair of shoes that are very similar.

*Harry produces the corresponding red shoe and green shoe, and puts them on the stall.*

Customer No, wait a minute – that’s red