Sketches - Mr. Jones
текст песни

Mr. Jones goes into an office.
Mr. Jones: Good afternoon.
Girl: Good afternoon.
Mr. Jones: My name's Jones. Charles
Jones. I come from Wales,
from Cardiff. I saw an advertisement
in the newspaper. It
said: 'Charles Jones. Money.
Four o'clock. Tuesday afternoon.'
And it gave this
address.
Girl: Ah yes. Wait in here please,Mr.
Jones.
(She takes Mr. Jones into
another office.)
Mr. Jones: Thank you.
Girl: With these two gentlemen.
Mr. Jones: Oh, thank you.(The girl goes
out.)
Mr. Jones: Good afternoon.
Mr. Jones 2: Good afternoon.
Mr. Jones: Good afternoon.
Mr. Jones 3: Good afternoon.
Mr. Jones: Nice day, isn't it?
Mr. Jones 2: Yes.
Mr. Jones 3: Yes, it is.
(The girl comes in.)
Girl: Now - Mr. Jones?
Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones 2, Mr. Jones 3: Yes?
Girl: Mr. Jones?
Mr. Jones Mr. Jones 2 Mr. Jones 3: Yes?
Girl: Which one of you is Mr. Jones?
Mr. Jones: I am
Mr. Jones 2: So am I,
Mr. Jones 3: So am I.
Mr. Jones: No, my name's Jones,
Mr. Jones 2: So's mine.
Mr. Jones 3: So's mine,
Girl: I want to speak to Mr.
Charles Jones
Mr. Jones: Charles Jones! That's
me!
Mr. Jones 2: No, I'm Charles Jones.
Mr. Jones 3: That's my name, too!
Girl: Charles Edward Jones.
Mr. Jones: Yes! My name is Charles
Edward Jones.
Mr. Jones 3: So's mine.
Mr. Jones 2: Mine is, too!
Girl: I want to speak to Mr. Charles
Edward Jones from Cardiff.
Mr. Jones: That's right. I come from
Cardiff.
Mr. Jones 2: So do I
Mr. Jones 3: So do I.
Girl: The Mr. Jones I want to see
has got three children.
Mr. Jones: Yes, that's me! I've got three
children.
Mr. Jones 3: So have I.
(The other man hesitates.)
Girl: What about you?
Mr. Jones 2: I've got three children.
Mr. Jones: You haven't! What are they
called?
Mr. Jones 2: What are yours called?
Mr. Jones: Alan. Michael and David.
Mr. Jones 2: So are mine.
Mr. Jones 3: What a coincidence! So are
mine.
Girl: So you all say you're Mr.
Jones?
Mr. Jones 2, Mr. Jones 3: Yes.
Girl: And you all saw the advertisement
in the newspaper.
Mr. Jones 2 : Yes.
Girl: (Very seriously) Well, Mr.
Charles Edward Jones, who
lives in Cardiff, and has three
children, hasn't paid any tax
for the last five years. He must
pay the government five thousand
pounds.
Mr. Jones 2: Er... actually my name isn't
Jones,
Mr. Jones 3: Nor is mine, and I don't live in
Cardiff, either.
Mr. Jones 2: Nor do I. I live in...Edinburgh,
as a matter of fact. I didn't
understand the advertisement.
Mr. Jones 3: Nor did I, I didn't realize it
meant Charles Edward Jones.
Mr. Jones 2: Nor did I. My name isn't
Charles Edward Jones.
Mr. Jones 3: Nor is mine. He's the man
you're looking for.
Mr. Jones: Oh dear.
Mr. Jones 2: Yes, of course he is! Sorry to
have troubled you. Goodbye.
Mr. Jones 3: Yes, sorry to have troubled
you. Goodbye. (The two men
leave)
Girl: So you're Mr. Jones,
Mr. Jones: Yes.
Girl: Congratulations!
Mr. Jones: Eh?
Girl: You're a rich man.
Mr. Jones: I'm not!
Girl: Yes, you are. You've got a lot
of money!
Mr. Jones: I haven't. I can't pay that tax.
Girl: There isn't any tax!
Mr. Jones: I haven't got - No tax?
Girl: No. That was just a story. I
had to find the real Mr. Jones.
Mr. Jones: Why?
Girl: Because the real Mr. Jones is a
very rich man.
Mr. Jones: I don't understand.
Girl: Mr. Jones - Charlie. Your greatuncle
Max died last week.
Mr. Jones: Oh, no...
Girl: And his money goes to you!
Mr. Jones: To me? But great-uncle Max
was a millionaire!
Girl: That's right.
Mr. Jones: So now I'm a millionaire?
Girl: Er...no.
Mr. Jones: Oh.
Girl: You're half a millionaire.
Mr. Jones: Half a millionaire? Which half?
The top half or the bottom
half?
Girl: No, no, no. You share the
money with one other relation.
Mr. Jones: Half a millionaire! Who do I
share the money with?
Girl: Me!
Mr. Jones: You?
Girl: Yes, I'm your cousin Jane.
Mr. Jones: Cousin Jane? Really? You've
grown up!
Girl: So have you.
Mr. Jones: And now you're half a millionaire.
Girl: And so are you! Let's go out
and celebrate.
Mr. Jones: Good idea! Let's go out and
celebrate! Come on!
(He opens the door.)
Mr. Jones: Oh...er...Jane?
Girl: Yes?
Mr. Jones: Have you got enough money
for the bus fare?