Sketches - The ticket inspector
текст песни

Steward: Coffee!
Passenger: No. thanks.
(The passenger closes the
door, and continues reading.
The waiter opens the door.)
Waiter: Seats for dinner!
Passenger: No, thanks.
(The passenger closes the
door again, and continues
reading. The ticket inspector
opens the door.)
Inspector: Tickets!
Passenger: No, thanks.
Inspector: Pardon?
Passenger: I don't want a ticket, thank
you.
Inspector: I'm not selling tickets, sir.
Passenger: No?
Inspector: No, I want to see your ticket.
Passenger: Oh, I haven't got a ticket.
Inspector: You haven't got a ticket?
Passenger: No. I never buy a ticket.
Inspector: Why not?
Passenger: Well, they are very expensive,
you know.
Inspector: Sir, you're travelling on a train.
When people travel on a train,
they always buy a ticket.
Passenger: Er
Inspector: And this is a first-class compartment.
Passenger: Yes, it is very nice, isn't it?
Inspector: No, sir. I mean: This is a firstclass
compartment. When
people travel in a first-class
compartment, they always buy
a first-class ticket.
(They look at each other for a
moment.)
Passenger: No, they don't.
Inspector: What?
Passenger: A lot of people don't buy tickets.
The Queen doesn't buy a
ticket, does she' Eh? Eh?
Inspector: No, sir, but she's a famous
person.
Passenger: And what about you? Where's
yours?
Inspector: Mine?
Passenger: Yes, yours. Your ticket. Have
you got a ticket?
Inspector: Me, sir?
Passenger: Yes, you.
Inspector: No, I haven't got a ticket.
Passenger: Ooh, are you a famous person?
Inspector: (Flattered) Famous? Well, not
very (Back to normal) Sir, I
am a ticket inspector. I inspect
tickets. Are you going to show
me your ticket?
Passenger: No, I haven't got a ticket.
Inspector see.
(The ticket inspector puts his
hand into his pocket.)
Passenger: 'What are you going to do?
Inspector: I'm going to write your name
in my book.
Passenger: Oh
Inspector: What is your name, sir?
Passenger: Mickey Mouse,
(The inspector begins to
write.)
Inspector: Mickey
Passenger: Mouse. M-O-U-S-E.
(The inspector stops writing.)
Inspector: Your name, sir?
Passenger: Karl Marx? William
Shakespeare? Charles
Dickens?
Inspector: I see, sir. Well, if you're not
going to tell me your name,
please leave the train,
Passenger: Pardon?
Inspector: Leave the train.
Passenger: I can't.
Inspector: You can't what?
Passenger: I can't leave the train.
Inspector: Why not?
Passenger: It's moving,
Inspector: Not now, sir. At the next station.
Passenger: Oh.
Inspector: It's in the book, sir. When you
travel by train, you buy a ticket,
and if you don't buy a ticket,
you
Passenger-Inspector: leave the train.
Inspector: Here we are, sir. We're coming
to a station. Please leave the
train now.
Passenger: Now?
Inspector: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, but
Passenger: Oh, that's OK.
Inspector: it's in the book, and what did
you say?
Passenger: I said: That's OK.'
Inspector: OK?
Passenger: Yes, this is my station.
Goodbye.